---Title--- Evangelical History-Chapter 5 A Ranma 1/2 - Evangelion fusion By Dr. Suekeiichi Kaiton (Skaiton@netscape.net) ---Misato's bedroom--- Ryouji Kaji slipped through the door quietly and tip-toed towards the huddled mass of blankets in the centre of the room. His breathing was irregular and he unconsciously swallowed before kneeling at the side of her futon, his fingers itching to be given free reign. If the insensate Misato was anything but...well, insensate...she gave no sign. A long cylindrical object was withdrawn from his pants and an insane giggle escaped his lips. His fingers were twiddling in anticipation. Hesitantly he began to lift the covers to reveal Misato curled fetal in a loose tank-top and pink cotton panties. Giving into his itching fingers, Kaji moved forward, the object held firmly in one hand... ---Misato's apartment, living room--- Ranma awoke to a glass of icy water dripping down his face. Asuka's usual method for waking him up after he'd been drinking, he remembered. Blinking back droplets of liquid he focused on the ceiling and remembered where he was, on Misato's couch. Sitting up and checking to see that he hadn't changed, he looked up at Asuka bleary-eyed. She seemed to be screaming something. She screamed again, this time directly in his ear, which had the painful result of jumpstarting a wicked hangover clanging in his skull. Clutching his head, he grasped the empty plastic glass from her hands and threw it in anger at the wall where it embedded itself three inches into the steel-reinforced concrete. He looked around at the fallout from the 'poker' night previous. Misato was presumably still in her room, even as the door was slightly ajar, Ritsuko was curled on the recliner next to him, Hyuga and Shigeru were snoring softly behind the couch, and Maya was curled at Ritsuko's feet. The throbbing was beginning again as his head swam, it would take a particular German lager to do this to him...how Misato procured an entire case of it was beyond his capacity for rational thought at the moment. Asuka was back on his case by that time, prodding him in the head with a 'Hello Kitty' pencil. "Do you think you could stop that, Asuka?" He lay back down and inwardly wondered what time it was as the sun was high in the sky. Asuka's prodding continued. "Would you please stop that?" He blinked and looked down, realizing for the first time that Asuka was stretched on top of him, quite possibly nude. A cursory examination revealed that not only was she naked but he was as well, which probably accounted for her Cheshire grin. "How the hell did you get there?" He asked, wariness evident in his voice. She smirked seductively. "Oh, Ranma, you can't honestly say you forgot about our torrid night of passion, can you? About how you, in a drunken stupor, latched onto my body and used me roughly on the sofa all night long?" His eyes shrunk to mere pinpricks. "About," she leaned in close so he could feel her hot breath against his lips, "your big penis and how it felt penetrating the most secret areas of my body?" "Get off me, Asuka, you're about _this_ close to crossing the line." He pulled her off and wrapped her in the blanket, setting her down gingerly like an object one has no desire for but knows will accrue value. Unfortunately, as he stood up naked from the couch, Hikari and Rei walked out from Shinji's room. For a single moment the three were frozen in time, each staring wide-eyed at the other. Then Asuka's head popped out from behind the back sofa cushions. "G'morning Hikari! Told you I'd get lucky!" She stood up and opened the blanket, revealing her naked body. The brunette screamed as she made the association between her new friend's nudity and Ranma's own, his God-given gift hanging out for all to see. Unfortunately again, Hikari's scream awoke most of the women sleeping around the couch and also roused Shinji from his bed in the spare bedroom. Rei made no move but also did not pull her eyes away from the naked acting commander. "What is it!? HOLY SHIT!" Ritsuko bolted awake at Hikari's scream and kicked Maya awake as well, her eyes passing across the room until Ranma's perfectly rounded buttocks came into view. Her mouth was salivating at the spectacle and she felt her hands reflexively clench. Ranma colored slightly before re-wrapping Asuka in the blanket and picking her up in a fireman's carry, his crotch obscured by the writhing bundle. "Don't you people have something better to do than stare at your _superior officer?_" He coughed politely into his hand as they averted their eyes, all except Ritsuko who leaned on the armrests of the recliner and ran her eyes over his naked form, clearly enjoying the view. "Ritsuko, could you look the other way for just a moment?" She seemed slow in doing the task as she grinned wide enough to split her face. "NOW!" She straightened and stood up, walking to the kitchen. She needed a cup of coffee or perhaps something a little stronger. "Is anything wrong, Rei?" "No, Major, I am having difficulty understanding the emotions of this situation." He shook his head in irritation and looked down severely at his charge. "Why not just forget this ever happen, hmm Rei?" When she hesitantly nodded his smiled. "That's a good girl." He started off towards the door when Misato's scream threw him off-balance. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?!?" The purple-haired captain stormed out of the bathroom, her hair in disarray and a variety of words and insults drawn on her face in black marker. She rubbed at the marks with her wet hand but they didn't seem to want to come off, instead smudging slightly. "KAJI!!!!!" The spotty-looking man sat in the living room with the now wide-awake Makoto and Aoba, trying to piece together their memories of the past night. As the fiery eyes of righteous feminine fury became directed towards him he began to sweat. "It's just a joke Katsuragi, a little prank! Don't get all violent on me, okay?" "NO IT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT 'OKAY'! Look at my face! It's gonna take forever to get this off!" She began stomping to him, cracking her knuckles, in just her underwear and top. Ranma even boggled that she could be so blind to the world as to give all the male bridge officers a free show. "Calm down, Katsuragi! It was just a joke!" "Does this," she pinched her check where 'lush' had been scribbled, "look like a joke to you?" There was a horrific grinding noise of bone on bone and Ryouji Kaji was thrown back against the far wall, impacting with a grunt of pain. "Does that feel like a joke to you?" She turned back in a huff and as such completely overlooked the naked Ranma standing by her arm until he spoke. "Where did you get that scar? Did you get it during Second Impact?" Asuka was pouting in his arms. "Yeah I..." She looked at her state of undress and smacked him in the cheek. Misato then retreated into the bathroom again with three cold cans of Yebisu. "PERVERT!" She blurted out before locking the sliding door. Ranma stood for a few minutes longer before the combined glances of all present began to unnerve him. "What?" "Uh, Ranma-san, your still...naked." Maya managed to stutter from behind the divider between the kitchen and living room. "Shit!" He seemed to blur with Asuka in his arms and the apartment door opened and closed almost too fast for all to catch but Ritsuko's eyes widened at his speed. In the span of a few seconds he was back, filling the shimmering void his quick movements left in the flat. Astonishingly he and Asuka, the red-head still in his arms, were fully dressed. The Saotome speed-dressing technique, long thought to have been dead, resurfaced just as he needed it. "Don't you people have anything better to do?" "No." Came the collective cry. "Do I have to institute mandatory physical exercise programs for NERV staff?" His eyes hardened as each face in the room had no reaction. He decided to test their resolve, making a play of ticking ideas off his fingers. "Lets see, no eating, reading, talking, mandatory martial arts classes, no alcohol in the vending machines..." He fell flat on his face as a full beer can smashed into his cranium. "DON'T! YOU! DARE!" Misato, her face several shades darker than normal, slapped him in the face with her wet towel and retreated to her room, muttering about how she was going to make Kaji pay. "I guess that idea's out." Ranma tossed the offending can at Rei, who merely examined it in curiosity. He casually picked off lint from the cuff of his jumpsuit and brushed the wrinkles out of his pants. Little did any of the staff know that he had secretly employed the Saotome speed bath technique and consequently was fully refreshed and clean. Of course they didn't need to know that...yet. "Well, people, while we're waiting for my subordinate to finish in her room, why don't we have a little breakfast?" A group of stark-white faces looked back at him in terror. "What did I say?" "E-e-eat? H-here?" Aoba quickly ran into the bathroom and relieved himself of the contents of his stomach, Makoto fainted while the strong women of NERV huddled together on the couch. Ranma sweat-dropped. His head turned to the side only to find Shinji in the corner muttering mantras with juzo beads clasped tight between his hands. "Fine! Why don't I just cook?" Ranma threw up his hands in exasperation, heading towards the kitchenette and a certain penguin staring at his empty food bowl. "What are you?" He knelt down in front of the penguin and extended a hand. "Put 'er there, pal." Ranma heard Misato's grumbles and the sound of her door slamming shut before any locks of purple hair showed themselves in the hall. He patted the avian on its tufted head before raising to his feet and waving his co-worker a jaunty salute. "Morning." "Just shut up...my hangover's killing me now and don't think I didn't hear that 'subordinate' comment!" Misato swore under her breath as she pushed past him and into the kitchen for another beer. She still couldn't get rid of the awful bitter taste in her mouth, bitter from what she couldn't say for certain but she did have some ideas... "W-what exactly do you remember from last night?" She sat down with her hair done up in a long ponytail, cross-legged on a stool while guzzling her beer. "I certainly stayed sober, not that you would have won anyway." Ranma popped the top off a can of juice and sat lazily on the counter, reminding Misato more and more of Kaji, well...the old Kaji. "Not after you started mixing bottles of scotch and gin in the toilet bowl." Misato blushed furiously as she asked the next question. "...About this bitter taste in my mouth..." "That's from when you decided that the bottle of Toilet Duck was vodka. Luckily Ritsu managed to get you to vomit it up, caused quite a mess, though, I think." Ranma caught the toast as it flew out of the toaster, one in his mouth, one in the other hand. "Hungry?" Misato's face drained of color. "Guess not, huh?" "Hey! That was mine!" Ritsuko pulled the second slice from his hand and sat down at the table, buttering the bread. "Uh no...it's just that I thought the taste was someone's..." If possible her face grew even redder, "Never mind." Misato hurriedly gulped down her drink and ducked out of the room and an even more embarrassing situation. Ranma just finished his toast in peace, trying to ignore Ritsu's expression of longing. ---???--- There existed a room of darkness, an empty void born of the latest technological graphics engine, broken only by sextagonal bars of harsh light. The light in turn defined the conference chamber, cutting the sharp edges of the holo-display board out of the formless night. Suddenly five individuals appeared out of the information superhighway, each one a holographic projection from undisclosed locations around the world and each one a member of the Committee for Human Instrumentality. At the head of the intangible boardroom sat Chairman Lorenz Kihl, old beyond measure, dressed in odd ceremonial robes as the meeting began. "I believe we can begin now." Clockwise seated around him were the delegates from England, Russia, The United States, and France. Red, green, blue, yellow, and Kihl (who was nondenominational) cast in no hue - these men decided the fate of the world. "I regret my tardiness, gentlemen, but the UN general assembly is behind schedule." Gendo appeared with Fuyutsuki at the other end facing Kihl. His hands were folded as customary covering his mouth, his tinted lenses oddly dark in the holographic domain. "We will no longer hold-up these weekly committee meetings because of your absence, Ikari." The old man's cyclopean visor glinted dangerous as his face broke into a snarl. "The Seventh will soon arrive." "Yes, we will be prepared." "Don't get cocky, Ikari, you're only here because it's a necessity." The green American gruffly threatened. "With the timetable already behind schedule due to Unit-00's damage as a result of the Fifth's attack..." "...We cannot afford any more setbacks." The effeminate delegate from France pushed his glasses up higher on his thin nose. "Also, your proposal for automated defense systems is completely out of the question." "This committee does not exist to fund all of your pipe-dreams, Ikari. We will fund what we believe is necessary...nothing more than that." The blue English delegate scratched his gray beard, eyes staring intently through wide glasses at Gendo's casual indifference. "NERV was grossly under-funded by the UN at the time of its inception. With the Angels attacking we have to fortify our position. Need I remind you that it was this committee that oversaw NERV's defense budgets? We are merely asking the UN for more realistic funding." "Threatening our position will do you no good, Ikari. You will do what you can with what you have." Blue responded. "It is easy to sit back and blithely say that." Fuyutsuki opened his mouth for the first time, gray brow furrowed in annoyance as Gendo placed his hands on the 'table'. "Wait until an Angel breaks through our defenses and obliterates headquarters." "This bickering will get us nowhere." Kihl leaned forward on his left arm. "Ikari, your defense budget will be increased by twenty-percent over the next three months." The Committee disappeared as the last word left his mouth, taking with them the table and all identifying features of the chamber. "How can they do this? Don't they realize the expense of running an autonomous defense organization?" "Of course they do, Fuyutsuki, that is exactly why they're doing this." Gendo resumed his pose, his eyes unreadable from behind the darkened glasses. "They plan on keeping us weak, subservient." "Precisely. But we have other hands to play..." Unnoticed by his old friend, the supreme commander's right hand twitched. ---Misato's apartment--- "Yes sir, I understand." Ranma shut his cell-phone and resumed his seat at the coffee table where everyone had gathered after breakfast. Shinji, Rei, Asuka, and Hikari were talking as they washed the dishes in the kitchen and the tell-tale splashes of water echoed back into the main room. Misato was dressed now, garbed in a tight striped tank-top and short blue jean-shorts. Ritsuko wore what she always did, a blue blouse and brown polyester skirt. Ranma was dressed in plain khakis and a blue shirt. "So what's up?" Misato sipped at a cup of coffee. The ink smears on her face greatly lessened after liberal applications of lotion and toilet paper. "Commander Ikari was just checking on us. He was under the impression we were in Central Dogma...go figure." "So what exactly are you planning? We all have our alternates working for the next few days while we get a few vacation days under our belts, what are we doing?" Ritsuko pulled a cigarette from the box in her coat pocket. Shigeru and Hyuga were talking with Kaji off to the side. Ranma simply smiled. "Well, since we're stuck with the kids, let's ask them. Asuka?" He called out to the kitchen and the red-head appeared in the doorway, wiping her hands on the long shirt he'd dressed her in before, the other three poked their heads out the doorway, curiosity etched into their eager little faces. "What?" "Your class has a field trip in a few weeks, right?" She looked at him with an eyebrow raised, she was mighty suspicious of this line of questioning... "Yeah...why?" "To Okinawa, right?" He crossed his arms and looked down at the fourteen-year old, his crystalline eyes darting to each member of the bridge crew to gauge their level of attention. "Yeah...I'll ask again, why?" "You aren't going." "What!?" "EVA pilots have to remain on call, that means no travel to locations outside Japan. You'll have to reschedule those diving lessons." The auburn-haired girl seemed to visibly simmer under the weight of her own anger. Her teeth were clenched tight and her hands were balled into fists; Shinji and Hikari were waiting for the inevitable conclusion. "So you called me out here just to ruin my plans and humiliate me?" Ranma scratched his chin, the action forcing a mirthful smile to grace Misato's lips he observed, and directed his eyes upwards. "That's just a bonus I guess...but no, that wasn't the reason I called you out here. Asuka, how would you like to go to Okinawa for the weekend?" Makoto and Shigeru's ears perked at the mention of Okinawa, broad vistas of sunny beaches and bikini-clad versions of Ritsuko and Misato dancing in their heads. Kaji wondered just what Ranma was planning, he'd have to speak to Ikari about the newcomer. "But I just thought you said-" "Ah! I said you couldn't go in a few weeks, I didn't say we couldn't all go this weekend." Ritsuko barked out an abrupt laugh that quickly turned into a harsh cough as smoke filled her lungs. He smiled down at his charge and patted her affectionately on the head, her small hands reaching up to quickly pull it off, embarrassed to be dismissed as a mere child, especially after what had occurred earlier. "So what do you say?" "I say HELL YES!" She jumped up and wrapped her arms around his neck, swinging to and fro, giggling in happiness. "You mean we can really go?" Shinji asked, stepping out from the kitchen. "I mean, you are the commander while my father and sub-commander Fuyutsuki are gone, is this alright?" "Unless anyone here has any better ideas it looks like you kids should start packing now if we're going to take the next ferry." No hands were raised against the proposal, each and every NERV officer aghast that Ranma could so casually leave NERV without its most experienced crew. Still, the lure of vacation time and fun in the sun outweighed their initial misgivings. Besides, Ranma practically ordered them to take a few days off, if anything went wrong they could just blame it on him. "Is it alright if I invite two of my friends too?" Shinji was standing by the phone. "I mean, if it's alright with you..." "Sure, the more the merrier!" Ranma laughed a bit at Shinji's awkwardness and realized just how downtrodden the poor boy's self-esteem truly was, the psychological profile didn't do him justice. "Just tell them to pack a swimsuit!" He turned back to the senior bridge crew and noticed their astonished faces. Kaji was smiling while Makoto seemed on the verge of a heart attack. Shigeru was clutching his heart while pawing at Maya, seemingly overtaken by his stupefaction, the brunette kicking her leg vigorously to wrench it from the COM officer. Misato was cackling on the sofa, her legs crossed atop the coffee table with an upraised coffee, applauding Maya's antics. Ritsuko was simply standing by the open balcony doors, blowing smoke into the sunshine. "What?" ---To be continued---