Computer Humor

Guide to Posting on Bulletin Boards

1. Conspiracies abound. If everyone's against you, the reason can't possibly be that you're a dirtbag. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire board a favor by exposing it. Be sure to mention the boy scouts and lyndy larouche as co-conspirators.
2. Force them to document their claims. Even if Jane Jones states outright that she has menstrual cramps, you should demand documentation. If US News and World Report hasn't written an article on Jane's cramps, then Jane's obviously lying.
3. Use foreign phrases. French is good, but Latin is the lingua Franca of bbsing. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are: "ad nauseam," "post hoc ergo propter hoc," "ignorantium" and "misericordium" (and of course, who can forget "semper ubi sub ubi?").
4. Tell'em how smart you are. Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of mensa or mega or dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my sats, psats, gres, mcats, and I can also spell the word 'meliorare'".
5. Be an armchair psychologist. You're a smart person. You've heard of freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
6. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an american citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the bbs (as guaranteed by the freedom of speech clause and screw the fcc). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
7. Doubt their existence. You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, they don't exist! Call'em an ai project, to really piss them off.
8. Laugh at whatever they write, a good "hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" should intimidate just about anyone.
9. When in doubt, insult. If you forget the other rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career on bbs you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do, insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, you do strange things with your frozen dinner!"
10. Make things up about your opponent. It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
11. Cross-post your article: everyone on the bbs is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From "How to make microwave popcorn" to "When to hook the worm", they're all holding their breaths until your next post. Therefore, post everywhere.
12. Use the smiley to your advantage. You can call anyone just about anything as long as you include the smiley. On really nasty attacks add "j/k/r". When they gripe, call them an jerk for not being able to recognize sarcasm when they see it.
13. Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later regret it, don't worry. You needn't cancel the article. That only shows what a wimp you really are. Teny that you ever sent it. "It must be a forgery!" (yeah, that's the ticket, it's a forgery!) "someone broke into my account and sent it!", "it's that damn backbone cabal out to get me!" Take your pick, they're all guaranteed to work.
14. A really cheap shot is to call your opponent a "Communist". By itself, it really does nothing. But, when used often, and in enough articles, it can make you a bbs-legend. Mccarthy never had it so good, neither did Nixon.
15. Lie, cheat, steal, kill, leave the toilet seat up.
16. Never denigrate in E-mail. If you do this, then you must really be desperate to inflame someone. Wherever this flame war started, keep it there. Everyone on the bbs is waiting for the outcome.
17. Watch out for vigilantes. These people will often E-mail you and tell you that your flame in whatever sub is "not appropriate." What you should do about this is flame him/her the next chance you get (or sooner). Accuse them of taking away your rights guaranteed to you by the freedom of speech (see rule 6).
18. Finally, never edit your posts. This drives'em wild. Be sure to follow up as many posts as possible, even if you have nothing to say. The important thing is to get the "exposure" so that you can be called a "regular" in your pet bbsgroup. Never press "W" to reply to a post. Too much lucidity that way. Post in linear logic to each of the previous 5 posts. Separate lines of course. Some lucidity is required after all, and dump a hundred lines of your favorite macros in every post.