A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A Supercomputer is a computer that runs an endless loop in two seconds.
A very high phone bill indicates that your child is spending hours communicating with other computer users via modem - not necessarily an illegal activity. It's the very low phone bills that you should watch for.
All computers wait at the same speed.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
BorgDOS v6.0 - Assimilate Another [Y/n]?
BREAKFAST.COM halted - cereal port not responding
CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
Computers are like Old Testaments gods. Lots of rules and no mercy.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are only human.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. (Pablo Picasso)
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Did you *REALLY* check that interface between the chair and the keyboard?
DOS Human Interface Guidelines (part I, II and III): A new line will be added to the bottom of the screen.
HAL 9000 [nervous]: 'Dave, put down those Windows disks!'
Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!
I em a wuunderfull spelur. I tipe vari gud two.
I finally found the ANY key!
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. (Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943)
If Old McDonald had a computer, would it use Eee-aye-eee I/O?
If the auto industry were like the computer industry, a car would now cost $50, would get 500 mpg, and at a random time would explode, killing all passengers.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it an UFO? No, it's a 136-speed CD-rom!
Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
My computer is below sea level, but it is not wet... (Rene G.A. Ros from the Netherlands)
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
REALITY.SYS corrupted. Reboot UNIVERSE [Y/n]?
Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click interface.
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 'user-friendly'... Their best approach, so far has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words 'user-friendly' on the cover.
The faster your computer, the longer it has to wait for you...
The most important question when any new computer architecture is introduced is 'So what?'
The Original Multitasker: Two PCs and a chair with wheels!
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. (Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of DEC, 1977)
They say a computer is a 'stupid' thing. If so: how about the user of it?
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
Will Micro$oft go bankrupt in 1901 because of the Year 2000 Problem?
You don't have conversations with microprocessors. You tell them what to do, then helplessly watch the disaster when they take you literally! (David Brin)
Your brain knows a hell of a lot more about networking than you do.
Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise.
Errors
(A)bort, (R)etry, (Q)UAKE?
(R)etry (R)eset
A good program doesn't need a Help button.
A mistake is human, but you need a computer to make a mess of it.
A RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
And the RESET button lets you re-run AUTOEXEC.BAT
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
But I DID read the manual...
But I thought YOU did the backups...
Buy a Pentium. It can reboot faster...
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
Computers don't make errors, what they do, they do on purpose
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Do bl Sp ce is a v ry saf me hod of driv compr s ion.
Error 13: Illegal brain function. User Terminated.
Error: No Keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
File not found, I'll load something *I* think is interesting.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Hit any user to continue.
I dont nead no speling cheker!
I think I've got the hang of it now... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X exit X Q :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT ^[zz ^[ZZ ZZZZ ^H ^@ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D ^d ^C ^c helpexit ?Quit ?q ^Kx /QY sync halt
If wires can be connected 2 different ways, the first blows the fuse.
If your computer says, 'Printer out of Paper,' this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the 'OK' button.
I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.
In the future: PC: 'Are you sure you want to delete?' User: 'Well, I don't know. What do you think?'
Is your computer possesed? Use DEVICE=EXOR.SYS
It said 'Insert Disk #3', but only two will fit!
Keyboard missing. Think F1 to continue.
Most applications crash, if not, the operating system hangs.
Mouse not found! Click OK to continue!
My computer isn't that nervous... it's just a bit ANSI.
My configuration? A head, two arms and hands, two leggs...
Never run a changing system!
NOT A VALID CENTURY
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it. (Linus Torvalds)
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
PENTIUM - Produces Enormous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Press [ESC] to detonate, or any other key to explode
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Printers generate errors. Errors you've never seen on screen suddenly appear on paper.
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.
RTFM: Read the fucking manual!
RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
shift key/ never heard of it1111
Somethingswrongwithmyspacebar
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Th vwls n m kbrd dn't wrk vry wll, d thy??
The Peintum (R) processor may contain design defects or errors known as errata which may cause the product to deviate from published specifications. (Intel application note AP-580)
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker. (Dave Barry, 'The Taming of the Screw')
This computer will self-destruct in five minutes.
User detected on keyboard. System is shutting down.
What does 'erasing of hard drive in progress' mean?
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
WYTYSYDG - What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
Macintosh
An Apple a day, keeps Windows away.
And on the Seventh day, God turned off his Macintosh.
Apple is a company, but Macintosh is a community.
Being a Mac user is like being a Navy SEAL: a small, elite group of people with access to the most sophisticated technology in the world, who everyone calls on to get the really tough jobs done quickly and efficiently.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Macintosh today = PC tomorrow
Macintosh: Machine always crashes, if not, the operating system hangs
Mom says Apples are good for me.
'Moof!' said Clarus, the dogcow.
MOTOROLA: 68000 - life starts 68020 - its getting funny 68030 - Man, I'm pretty cool 68040 - Life's great 68060 - XTC PowerPC - Call me GOD
No RISC, no fun!
On the box it was written: 'Requires Windows 95 or better', so I bought a Macintosh.
There are only three types of computer users: Those that use Macs. Those that wished they used Macs. Those that don't know any better.
Online
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Send' button.
America Online: a major supplier of free disks to those who do not pay money to them.
Beam me up... arrgh, no carrier!
Confuse people... Quote from the WRONG message!
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
I want an Internet. Can I have one of those? (Spice Girl Mel B., pointing to a monitor during an AOL press conference)
If cookies were made with chocolate I would accept them always.
I'm another road kill on the Information Superhighway.
Internet is like a box of chocolate - you never now what ya gettin'...
Internet Lie #1: Doom? Never heard of it.
Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting.
Not tonight honey. I have a modem.
Please tell me if you don't get this message...
Some years ago we had slow computers and time enough to drink a lot of coffee. Today we have the Internet and once more time enough for coffee. I think, Bill Gates should buy coffee plants...
Surfing the Internet finally allows me to read a good book...
The name is Baud... James Baud.
The PROPER way to handle HTML postings is to cancel the article, then hire a hitman to kill the poster, his wife and kids, and fuck his dog and smash his computer into little bits. Anything more is just extremism. (Paul Tomblin)
The secret of the universe is @*&í!'ñ^#+ NO CARRIER
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Waking up the NSA watchers: SIGINT BALLISTIC TELSAT KGB GRU LIBYA SAM ATTACK GRAIL IRA PLASTIQUE KENNEDY SPACE CENTER LUMINOSO TRAINING BGS GRANATWERFER
We DON'T care. We don't HAVE to. We're the phone company.
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
You're not putting that Information Superhighway through my front room!
OS/2
Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.
OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
Unix
A host is a host from coast to coast and no one will talk to a host that's close unless the host (that isn't close) is busy, hung or dead.
F U cn rd dis U mst uz Unix.
God, root - what is the difference?
Life ain't fair but the root password helps
Linux - the System behind the Window.
Linux is like a Tipi: No windows, no Gates, and Apache inside!
Microsoft gives you Windows, UNIX gives you the whole house.
Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.
Q: How does a UNIX Guru do Sex? A. unzip;strip; touch; finger; mount; fschk; more; yes; umount; sleep (Martin Kahlert)
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
This is Linux country, on a quiet night you can hear Windows reboot
Unix is not a 'A-ha' experience, it is more of a 'holy-shit' experience.
VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use UNIX.
Windows
...and remember: WWW does not stand for 'World Wide Windows'
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
640K ought to be enough for anybody. (Bill Gates, 1981)
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
Air Conditioned Environment - Do not open Windows!
Apples have been a problem ever since Eden.
Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
Best file compression around: DEL *.* - 100% compressed.
Best way to accelerate Windows? Throw it harder...!
'Bother,' said Poo, and deleted Windows.
But why spend $2,000.00 just to run Windows?
Buy Stacker? Why not just delete Windows?!
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.
Customer: 'I'm running Windows '95.' Tech Support: 'Yes.' Customer: 'My computer isn't working now.' Tech Support: 'Yes, you said that.'
Difference between a virus and Windows? Viruses never fail.
Does Microsoft mean small and limp?
Double your drive space! Delete Windows!
Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!
Failure is not an option. It comes packaged with every bundle of Microsoft Software.
He screamed and jumped out of the window. That's the reason why they call this OS Windows.
Hiroshima '45 - Tschernobyl '86 - Windows '95
How do you want to crash today?
I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse.
I put BUGS=OFF in CONFIG.SYS and now Windows won't load!
if (2.0 = = 1.999999963) printf('Pentium inside!\n');
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.
If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
In a world without walls and fences - who needs Windows and Gates?
Insane people throw computers out of windows, sane people...
It's not a virus... it's just Windows 95.
I've been known to scrub toilets, but I don't do Windows.
Linux for Network, Mac for Work, Windows for Solitaire
Microsoft broke Volkswagen`s world record: VW only made 22 million bugs!
Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs!
Microsoft is not the answer, it's the question and the answer is NO.
Microsoft Windows - Who Do You Have To Blow Today?
My car runs better without windows!
My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
P200 + Windows '95 = Maserati with the parking brake on.
People who think MS-DOS and Windows are the slickest thing since sliced butter should be forced to wear a sign stating 'This mind intentionally left blank'.
Prepare to destroy the Borg! Ensign, upload Windows!
Running Windows makes everyday like Monday morning... Slow and a bad prospect.
Some call it Windows, others the longest batch file of the world.
Speed Kills. Use Microsoft Windows.
The best way to accelerate a PC is at 9.8 m/s^2.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't sucks is the day they start making vacuum cleaners
The history of the PC industry can be summarized as an attempt to keep up with Apple. (Byte Magazine, 1995)
The Magic of Windows: Turns a Pentium into an XT.
The number of the beast is not 666. The number is 95, and he is awake!
This room is air-conditioned and the SUN is shining the NeXT days -- so don't open Windows(tm).
This Virus requires Microsoft Windows...
Turn your Pentium into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\>
Unix for stability. Macs for productivity. Windows for solitaire.
Walk through doors, don't crawl through Windows.
Welcome to hell - here's your copy of Windows.
Windows - the 8MB Solitaire game!
Windows 95, brings the power of yesterday computers today.
Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
'Windows for dummies', another term of 'this sentence no verb'.
Windows IS NOT a virus... viruses do something.
Windows must be very valuable - it costs a lot of time and money
Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
Windows: A 80486 to 80286 conversion kit.
Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
With Windows 3.11, we were on the edge of the cliff. With Windows 95, we made a big step forward.
You need the computing power of a P5, 16 MB RAM and 1 GB Harddisk to run Win95. It took the computing power of 3 Commodore 64 to fly to the Moon. Something is wrong here, and it wasn't the Apollo.
Your mouse has moved. Windows has to reboot for changes to take effect.