Computer Humor

Varieties of Unix

Unix is an operating system well known throughout the computer industry. It takes a user three years to learn his way around the system and another ten to learn a sizable portion of the commands. No user has been known to understand the entire operating system at once and this is generally thought to be impossible.
No one who wasn't on drugs ever called Unix user-friendly. It has been regarded as "a REAL operating system, unlike MS-DOS or the Macintosh systems, which are for ANAL-RETENTIVE DWEEBS!" The person(s) who regarded Unix this way wish to remain anonymous in the event that "some JERK might lob me over the head with his PC, which is about all it's good for!"
Users of Unix are staunch supporters of the system although on average they understand less than half of it. Their strong support for the system is thought to be based upon an underlying fear that by the time they learn a new system they will be too old to have their mid-life crisis.
Xenix, Minix, Xinu, and other variations upon the Unix theme, were created by people who thought they knew a lot about Unix but didn't know enough to get it right. Consequently they saw Unix as "wrong" and set about making their own versions which were "right." All of these new versions are still considered "wrong," however, as new "right" versions appear almost daily. Following is a list of some of the new versions -- or flavors, as people who eat Unix for breakfast lunch and dinner and the not-so-occasional midnight snack are fond of calling them -- of Unix.

Beatnix - This is an underground version of Unix. Users of this version are known to wear dark sunglasses and goatees and work mostly at night. Users "hang out" in dark rooms with real or simulated brick walls for their sessions and use a command set little known to users of other Unix versions. Beatnix users employ command aliasing to a high degree so they can customize the command set and maintain individuality. Alias files are modified daily to include updates in the "hip" command-set. Beatnix has developed a unique user interface in which the user snaps his fingers to execute a command. Beatnix users consider their version of Unix to be "cool" and all other versions to be "square."

Beatrix - This is a child's version of Unix written by an AI system modeling Beatrix Potter. On graphics-based systems it has a graphic interface consisting of Prompt-er Rabbit jumping through the System Garden of the nasty Farmer Superuser. The user searches for Mischief applications or good Food Processes and executes them until Farmer Superuser threatens to squash his cute little Process with his Boot. The the user has to Find the correct Path to Home and his parent process before he gets Logged Off. On non-graphics-based systems the user is presented a story in which he decides the action.

Qinix - This version of Unix is for game-players. It is closely modeled on the arcade game Qix. The user must cd around a particular area of the filesystem before he can access it. He has to watch for system processes and his process is killed if he runs into one. A user is allowed three logins per day. A user is given filespace according to the amount of the filesystem he has covered, but must start over when he covers more than 75% of the system. He is awarded bonus disk quotas, however.

Hendrix - This is a highly graphical system using psychedelic colors to give the user VI-sions which are stored into a file. A user of this system performs better under the influence of just about anything. Typically users must be gifted with a great degree of string manipulation ability.

Pick-up-stix - This version does not use a filesystem hierarchy. Instead it dumps the filesystem in a heap. Two users take turns extracting files from the heap, and the user who extracts the most files without disturbing the heap structure gets to use the system.

Trix - This version has a much-improved user interface over Unix. Traditionalists call it "sugar-coated." The user may only work in one directory per day and must process all files in the directory before he finishes his session. Files come in four types -- or flavors -- and file integrity lasts only a short time. The files become "soggy" or "mushy" after that. A large directory will often turn the system "pink" during a long session.

Fish-stix - This version of Unix relies heavily on pre-processing and makes great use of lemon-juice, although the reason for this is unknown.