Computer Humor

One-Liners

• My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.

• A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

• A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

• I bet the human brain is a kludge.
  - Marvin Minsky

• I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

• The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.

• Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.

• Any given program will expand to fill available memory.

• Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do.
  - Ted Nelson

• Any program that runs right is obsolete.

• Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.

• CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..

• Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.

• f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

• I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

• Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

• My computer NEVER cras

• Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

• Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.

• Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.

• Backups? We don't *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER

• All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

• System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.

• Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.

• Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
  -Donald Knuth

• The only thing good about "standards" in computer science is that there are so many to choose from.

• If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

• If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
  - Dykstra

• If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0